Damn SPAM!!!!

No..not the new awful type of Spam…not the kind that makes you cringe every time you fire up your email client….we are talking the real deal here…the one…the only…

Why all the noise about the mystery meat in a can? After my last column about being an omnivore, I had to work late one night and came home to find the Spam stash completely consumed by the family. I think I even saw a couple of crumbs in the goldfish bowl.

This mass consumption of Spam lead me to muse upon its origins and uses as I showered later that night. (Yes, I think of food even in the shower.)

Besides the well known fact that Hawaiians have us all beat on the per capita consumption of Spam, did you even know there was a Hawaiian Spam? Or how about Smoked Spam? In our local stores we have only have Spam, low sodium Spam and Turkey Spam. Now according to the Spam homepage, Spam came from the words “Spiced Ham”. Ok…I can see that..but what about Turkey Spam? It doesn’t have any “-am” in it. It’s got “-urkey”! So now we have…

If this isn’t enough Spam for you…there's a lot more, including Monty Python’s Spamalot. On their website you can purchase limited edition Spam!

And finally, I have found what I am getting my hubby for Christmas…Hot and Spicy Spam, what ever true Spam-a-holic wants this holiday gift giving season…Yum!

The reason why I am not participating the IMBB 19: a testament to Veganism

I was kinda bummed by this month’s Is My Blog Burning. I like vegetables well enough, but mostly as side dished to a big heaping plate of dead critter. Eat nothing but grains, veggies and fruits. Eschew all animal by-products? No Jell-o (and everyone knows there is always room for Jell-o). No bee spit. No cheddar. NO BACON! It t’aint natural I tell ya…nope..not one bit.

Personally, I could try to survive without eating any animal products for one day, but there would be a revolt among the plebes. The carefully hidden store of Spam would be raided; any critter that moved too slowly would be fair game for the starving hoards. “Dear, didn’t we have three goldfish a couple of hours ago?”

So to celebrate my commitment to eating animal protein, I went to Adam’s house and fried up some prime loin chops. I prefer a nice rib chop, as you can hold the rib like a handle and gnaw the meat off as our ancestors did. Plus the fat gets nice and brown, and I like the sounds the bone makes when I suck the last of the juices from it. (Eating meat is very tactile and satisfying. I can’t say I have ever had the same experience eating any type of vegetable matter. Well with the possible exception of one pear.)

My weapons in the war pork chops are Seasoned Salt and a cast iron skillet. The salt adds an unidentifiable something to the mix and the skillet let’s me get a good crust on the meat because of the way it holds heat. (I usually take my 12” skillet when traveling to Adam’s. Being single, his kitchen is lacking in hardcore cooking tools.)

I bought a whole pork loin and cut it into butterfly chops myself. It saves about $1.00/pound and allows me to control the thickness of chop. I hate having to buy prepackaged meats. I have gone out of my way to make friends with the local butcher who is glad to custom cut items for me upon request, but with something like boneless pork, there is no reason not to tackle it with a sharp knife and some basic knowledge.

I sprinkle the chops with Seasoned Salt, onion powder, garlic powder and cayenne pepper and let them sit while the skillet heats up. I usually have to add a couple tablespoons of oil to the pan, as the pork these days is too lean to provide its own lubrication. Once the pan is good and hot, in go my lil’ chops. (At this point, I get out the pepper spray to keep the men out of the kitchen until I am ready to serve. The smell of cooking meat drives them crazy and distracts them from their football.)

Once I get the first side browned (thank you Maillard reaction!), I flip them over and wait. I usually cook these over medium high heat. I will cut one and check for doneness after a few minutes. I am sorry I can’t give you times. I am old-fashioned in that I cook by looks and smells.

I served these fine looking pieces of porcine flesh with mashed Yukon Gold potatoes and sautéed green beans. Just a side note: the potatoes had a whole stick of butter and lots of whole milk in them. However, any vegan would have been able to eat the beans, which were sautéed in olive oil and garlic with salt and fresh ground pepper.

So there you have it - my anti-vegan meal! Bon appétit!

Hi. Again.

Ummmmmmm…I’ve been bad. I haven’t posted the 7^th. That’s because my work has eaten all my free time. Hopefully as the cookie baking season commences, I will be able to post more frequently.

Most of the past ten days has been pretty damned dull: long hours and lots of fast food. Last Sunday was spent at a training session for work. At least they had a catered lunch and lots of free coffee. It wasn’t great, but in the immortal words of my college roommate Cheryl, “If it’s free, it’s gotta be good!”

However, I did get to cook for Adam on the 10^th. We had spaghetti carbonara, fresh tomato salad and some really great bread from the newly opened Whole Foods. Adam and our friend George waxed poetic over the wide variety of foods. Whole Foods even carries ostrich eggs. As much as George and Adam carried on, I think I better research how to cook an egg that big.

I also had time this weekend to experiment with some new foods. This week Meijer had packages of beef ribs for $.99 per pound. I had the butcher crack the two slabs into three pieces each and pulled out my secret weapon in the War on Meat:

How to Cook Meat by Chris Schlesinger and John Willoughby

I constantly refer to this book when it comes to figuring how to cook all the odd bits of meat that the local markets offload for cheap: Eye of Round Roast, Beef Ribs, huge Sirloin Tip Roasts, fresh Picnic Hams, Etc. I went out of my way to find a book that would keep me from standing in front of the meat case, scratching my head and looking stupefied.

The recipe I used was Flintstone-Style BBQ Beef Ribs with Hot, Sweet and Sour Bone Sauce on page 80 and 81. By the end of the meal, the official title was Caveman Ribs with Bonesuckin’ Sauce. (I would reproduce it here, but I think that the copyright police might have something to say about it. Rule one: always ask permission!)

Eric and George came over and helped us polish them off. You know you are among good friends when you all sit around covered in glistening fat and blood red sauce making primal grunting noises and the only thing said is “Pass a beer, will ya?”

So if you are in the market for a good book on meat, this is it! It goes for about $6 in hardback on Amazon.

I used another book to defeat the dreaded Bake Sale monster as it reared its head on Friday night, after I came staggering home from 25 hours of shear hell. I needed fast, I needed cheap, I needed good. And it had to be from ingredients I had in my pantry. Tall order. I pulled out one of my new favorites The Good Cookie: Over 250 Delicious Recipes from Simple to Sublime by Tish Boyle and located something called “Crunchy Peanut Bars”. They were rechristened “Paydaze” by my hubby. A simple crust covered in peanut flavored caramel topped with salted peanuts. The recipe only made a 9 x 13 pan, but you have to cut them small or your would overdose on salty-sweet goodness. Definately PMS material.

Long story cut short: They sold out. The girls watching the table told me some lady bought a dozen of them alone. I think I have a keeper! YEAH!

I also made a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I knew this favorite would sell out...who can resist?!

The bake sale went to benefit the Worthington Public Libraries. Their funding from the state will be cut in half next year and they are trying to make up the difference. It's sad when one of the greatest public resources has to beg for funding... I hope my cookies helped a little bit. If you live in Worthington, please support your local library and vote for the levy this November. I know that I will!

I grew up spoiled rotten…

...on home canned vegetables.

I did not taste a commercially canned green bean until I ate a school lunch in first grade. Blech! Limp, overcooked and flavorless.

My father was a big believer in home gardening. He was of a fading generation even when I was a kid. His family was poor when he was growing up. They raised rabbits and chickens in their backyard, along with a large kitchen garden. My dad had four brothers, and they were all expected to help sustain the family by working in the garden as well as deliver papers, etc.

So it was only natural to him that we would have a large garden in our back yard. Our house sat on an acre lot in Obetz. (Yup, I’m a Southside gal!) The garden took up almost a ¼ of that lot. No kidding. Tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, cabbage (we made out own kraut), radishes, carrots, green beans, strawberries, turnips, beets, horseradish, rhubarb and I don’t know all what else. Many grown from seeds he had saved himself (beans and tomatoes especially) All weeded and watered with care and with help from us kids. And that isn’t even considering the grapes, apples and pears. I don’t think any pictures of it survive. I mean, who would waste film on pictures of tomatoes right?

Lest you think my father unique, our neighbors, the Raineys, had a garden just as large and plentiful. Willie Rainey loved his garden as much as my dad loved his, and every year there was a contest to see who could get the first ripe tomato. My dad always planted his Early Girls closer to the house so he could watch them for signs of the first blush. One year, my dad (who had a roughish sense of humor) bought a ripe store tomato and perched it in the branches of one plant just to see Mr. Rainey get jealous.

The reason I am waxing so poetic over gardening: heirloom tomatoes. I refuse to buy the plastic red orbs that pass for tomatoes in the grocery stores, and have learned to adapt my menu accordingly. I have my three plants in the back of my apartment along with a habanera and a jalapeño plant. But it’s not enough. Ever. So off the farmer’s market I go, reusable cloth bags in hand (aren’t I so PC?).

And here is a picture of some of my tomatoes before I turned them into a salad with a little salt and some shredded basil from Debbie’s garden. And BLTs. And cheese omelet and tomato sandwiches. Yeah…I said omelet sandwiches. You got a problem with that?!

Tony’s Omelet Sandwiches

6 slices good dense sandwich bread, toasted (We use Pepperidge Farm because they remember. Well that and I work close to their outlet store. Our preference is for buttermilk or sourdough for these sandwiches)

1 really huge beefsteak tomato, dead ripe, sliced about an 1/8 of an inch thick

6 eggs, beaten

4 oz of sharp cheddar sliced thin

2 T of butter

Mayo, salt and pepper to taste

Ok folks, get out that nonstick skillet! Put it over medium high heat. When heated, melt your butter. Once the butter is all bubbly, pour in your beaten eggs and lay the slices of cheddar on top. As the eggs cook, the cheese will melt into them. Scootch the eggs around in the pan and tilt it so the uncooked egg gets to the heat. Remember, like with scrambled eggs, remove them from the heat before they are done!

(When is it done? That’s the mystery. They should be almost set. If you have brown streaks on the back when you turn the omelet out on the plate, it’s overdone. You can still eat it, it just won’t be the best it could be.)

Turn the omelet out on a plate and slice into three pieces. Place on the toasted bread, salt and pepper and add your big honkin’ slice of ripe tomato goodness. Tony and I like a little mayo on ours but our daughter prefers the sandwiches without.

A couple of notes from Tony:

A) If you would like, you can add mushrooms, onions or any other vegetation you might like. Just make sure you sweat them down to get rid of most of their excess moisture.

B) Do not add salt to the eggs when you cook them. Wait until afterwards. It’s bad for the eggs and makes them toughen up.

So there. Now you know what we are doing with the mutant that was unfortunate enough to land in our back yard. Pictures coming soon!

Alert! Alert!

The scientists at International Department of Interstellar Observation and Technology (I.D.I.O.T.) have been observing the alien life forms growing on vine number three. The fruit has continued to grow to an alarming size then slowly turn an appealing red color. We have included a photo with a soda can for size reference.

Fearful to let the pod ripen any longer, a team in protective bio-suits removed the largest pod from the vine and transported it to the kitchen…uh hem..lab.

Further experiments are needed to examine the internal structure of this creature.

Stay tuned for further developments!

Is that Fall just around the corner??!

It’s getting close to...THAT TIME!

COOKIE TIME!!

Every Christmas, Gail, Debbie and I make metric tons of cookies to feed all of our co-workers, friends and family. We sit down at the end of October and make a game plan, then keep an eye out for specials on ingredients like butter, nuts, chocolate and other pricey items. Then, on an appointed day in mid-December, we gather at someone’s house (usually an unsuspecting person with two ovens and a dishwasher) and bake, bake, bake.

We have developed rules about the types of cookies we make. Here are a few of them:

1. No chocolate chip cookies. Those are everyday cookies and this is Christmas dammit.
2. No peanut butter cookies. See number 1.
3. Cookies are divided up equally. Except when Gail’s husband Jim is around and cookies disappear at an alarming rate, then we dun her for his sneakin’ ways.
4. There will be no drinking. Every time Debbie gets a few drinks in her, she is up on the table and reliving her days as a “dancer” at the Thirsty Eye.
5. No feeding cookies to the monkey. Too much sugar..and he goes bananas.

The whole tradition started out as a cookie exchange at work. The first year, we had eight people and everyone was on the same page. Everyone brought a dozen cookies for each person. We notified the others in the exchange what each person was bringing in advance so there was no duplication. We packaged each person’s dozen up nicely. It was really great.

Second year, fifteen people signed up. Seven of those brought either peanut butter or chocolate chip, hence rules number 1 and 2.

Third year, we were back down to eight people. We had one gal bring Chip Ahoys. That was the last year we did the exchange.

However, we did like the whole sharing cookies thing. December is very stressful when you are working retail, and when the crew sees us bring in a big platter of cookies, they get big smiles on their faces and a sugar high that lasts all day.

As the season progresses, I’ll let you folks know what kind of tasty treats we will be baking up this year. Until then, eat all the chocolate chip and peanut butter cookies you want!

IMBB 18: Out of frying pan into the humidity…

Fried food..yummy yummy…

If it hadn’t been for fried foods, I would have starved as a kid. Burgers, chicken, pork chops, liver, carrots (yes, carrots…), calves’ brains...my mom loved frying food. I don’t fry as much as she did, but it is still one of my favorite ways to cook.

To fry, you must have the right tools. I have two types of pans I use constantly. The first is a cast iron skillet. I have four different ones, including my mother’s 10” and a 12” that I bought for myself several years ago. The second is a good Teflon-coated skillet. I have an 8”and a 12”.

Cast iron is good for frying meats, green tomatoes or just about anything that needs to keep a constant temperature. The Teflon pans are for my eggs, pancakes and French toast.

When I saw the theme for this month’s IMBB, I immediately thought of two items: pan fried pork chops, and green tomatoes. My pork chops are fairly basic: nice rib chops, sprinkled with seasoned salt (the all purpose red-neck seasoning) and pepper and seared off at medium high heat until slightly pink on the inside. No grey pork. It is a sin to overcook fine chops and there is a special hell for those that do. It is right next to the one for people who drive while talking on their cell phones.

So after a struggle with my taste buds, I decided to wax poetic about fried green tomatoes. It IS summer after all. Plus, people are talking about the Eat Local Challenge, and walking out my back door is about as local as you can get.

I didn’t like green tomatoes as a kid. A little too tart for a young palate, but once I got older, I learned to appreciate this uncomplicated dish. I usually make a big batch at the end of the summer, when you have to pull the last of the unripe tomatoes off the vine before clearing the garden. Also, it is definitely a frugal dish. I like that. And it makes people get all misty-eyed when you serve them on the side of some good barbeque pork.

So without further ado…

You’ve seen the movie…

You’ve read the book…

Now experience…FRIED GREEN TOMATOES!

(No lesbians or long pig in this recipe though…)

Fried Green Tomatoes Rosie style

3 to 4 medium sized unripe tomatoes

1 cup corn meal

Seasoned salt

Black pepper

Red pepper

Vegetable oil for frying

Core and slice tomatoes into ¼” slices with a sharp serrated knife. Set aside.

Mix corn meal with the spices. This is strictly to taste. I usually go a little heavy on the salt, and add just enough red pepper to make the taste buds sit up and take notice, but not enough where you get a burn. Mix thoroughly.

Dredge the slices in the cornmeal. A very thin layer of seasoned meal should cling to the moist areas. This is what you want.

Heat your oil in a cast iron skillet on medium high. The tomatoes should sizzle when they hit the oil. Cook until brown on one side then flip and brown on the other. Do not keep flipping them back and forth. This is how the meal falls off.

When the tomato is soft and yields to fork pressure, it’s done. Remove from the pan and drain on paper towels. Or if you wanna be fancy, drain on a rack over paper towels.

Eat while warm. Of course, the cook may need to sample the first couple slices to make sure all the seasoning is correct. You know how that is.

Chillin' Lakeside

After long nights partying with little sleep and living on caffeine…Steve and Lisa invited us to join them in a trip to the Lake of the Ozarks.

What is the Lake of the Ozarks you ask? It is really the river valley of the Osage river that has been flooded when the Bagnell dam was built. It looks like some kind of crazed caterpillar. It has over 1100 miles of shoreline and the main goal of everyone along that shoreline is to party like madmen.

Steve’s house is directly opposite from Augie Busch’s house..yep..that’s the guy who owns the Anheuser-Busch brewery. Augie likes to party like a madman too. In fact, very few people on the lake seem to want to do anything on the lake other than party.

If you are not partying on the lake…you are eating… You name it…you can eat it. There are bars and restaurants right on the waterfront…not just drive throughs but boat throughs. Nothing like pulling your boat or jet ski up and some bikini clad lass runs out and asks “Can I help you?” She proceeds to fill your tanks and bring you food. Now that is service.

The most quirky place we ate on the lake was The Dummy. We are not talking about great food. Some homedone bbq and lots of food service stuff, but the best thing was deep fried creamed corn fritters. They looked like they came out of the litter box, but damn good tasting. The juke box was half rock, half country and half Jimmy Buffet (yeah yeah yeah...if you know Buffet music...then you know how that math works…)

The best place we ate on the lake was Kay’s Home Cooking. All you can eat breakfast for $6.95. Best. Idea. Ever. And it is not a buffet. There is a real live sassy waitress bringing you as much food as you can pack down your gullet. The list included, but was not limited to: pancakes, French toast, omelets, gravy and biscuits, sausage (link and patties), home fries, eggs any way you want them…I am sure I am forgetting something…but you get the idea. Steve, Lisa, Annie, Tony and I sat down and ate for about an hour straight. After swimming and riding the jet skis, you can build up a big appetite.

Most of the time though, we cooked at the house. First night, I made Baked Chicken ala Tony with green beans and boiled red potatoes. We went shopping at Wal-mart. I usually don’t shop there, but when in Rome… I opted for frozen French style green beans, even though there were very nice fresh beans available. I was just being lazy; I didn’t want to snap beans before dinner.

After getting back to the kitchen, I took the chickens out of their plastic only to discover they were still frozen on the inside. Plus, the chickens looked like they had been beaten to death with a baseball bat. The spine had been separated from the ribs and the skin was torn in places. I had planned on doing beer can chicken on the grill, but the condition of my battle weary chickens convinced me to bake them instead. I improvised a quick brine from soy sauce, black pepper, garlic powder, cayenne pepper and some Italian herb blend that were in the cupboard. Then I went to watch Braveheart with everyone else.

Before Mel could bare his bottom, the chickens were on their way to the oven. I patted them dry, sprinkled them with more soy sauce, garlic powder, black pepper and cayenne and put them into a 375 degree oven. An hour and 20 mins. later…dinner!!

The rest of the time we ate lake food… grilled steaks, pina coladas, lunchmeat sandwiches…low maintenance…but tasty.

The last thing I will mention about my vacation will be gooey butter cake. Those of you from St. Louis will know exactly what I am talking about… We encountered them because Debbie, my friend from work, grew up in St. Louis. Here is her list of must haves:

1. Maul’s BBQ sauce
2. St. Louis Style Italian Dressing
3. Gooey Butter Cake

I was able to fulfill her wishes with a quick trip to Schnuck’s, a local grocery chain. Of, course, I had to get one for us to try. It was not bad…a lil’ bland for my tastes, but in my opinion: if ain’t chocolate cake, it ain’t tasty cake. If you ever go to St. Louis, get one…otherwise the experience will not be complete.

So that is it for me and my vacation…

Next time: sniff sniff… Is that my blog burning?

I'm Home!

I am officially back from vacation.
Sob.
No matter how long I am away from work..it is never long enough.

St. Louis was a blast. My husband is a professional magician, and magic conventions are some of the most interesting affairs I’ve attended. The Midwest Magic Jubilee is one of the best. Top notch talent, friendly people and I helped host a kickass convention suite all three nights of the convention.

Hosting a party for magicians requires special planning. You have to have enough alcohol to lubricate the brain, but no grease to lubricate the fingers. Cards, coins and props, some costing hundreds of dollars, must be considered at all times. This means you have to be careful what types of snack are served. They can’t be greasy, or leave a residue on the fingers. They can’t require lots of drippy dips and salsas. That means I usually stick to dry roasted nuts, unflavored potato chips, cheese and crackers, and veggies. If I do serve dips, I make sure they are far away from where the action is taking place. Also, for this convention, we made an exception to the rule on the last night, but we’ll get more into that later. (Note all the wild and crazy antics in the picture to the right. That is about as exciting as it gets!)

For drinks, you have your usual: beer, wine, liquor and non-alcoholic. You never really know what people are going to drink so you have to guess-ta-mate. This year, it was pop and bottled water. Lots of both. Who woulda guessed…not me…I have a ton of booze left. Good thing it won’t spoil. That means I can make mixed drinks at home for the next 9 months. “If you like pina coladas..and getting drunk in the rain…” you all know the rest.

The last night of the party, Steve, one of the organizers of the convention, announced he knew a place that sold great pizzas. He and Lisa, his girlfriend, went out into one of the worst thunderstorms of the summer to pick up 64 pounds of pizza. That’s right. 64 pounds. That was four pizzas folks. They were the biggest pizzas I have ever seen in my life. Where are the pictures you ask? You would like visual evidence? I was so busy playing hostess I didn’t take any pictures of these giant pies..these kings of pizza-dom..no, not one pixel of proof have I. Ok, I am a sucky blogger. So sue me. All my guests had a great time.

Most of the food I ate was just fuel to keep me running. Lots of burgers and other fast food, caffeine in massive amounts, sugar and grease. However, we did get a chance to head to a small Mexican restaurant, Las Palmas on Woodson Rd . The décor was not..um..well..let’s say if you want sophistication, you need to try somewhere else. (If you are in doubt, check out their website, it fits the crazy atmosphere. And make sure you turn up your speakers!) If you want killer food and drinks…this is the place!

Being in need of as much food as we could eat quickly, the whole family decided on the combination platters. I had an enchilada and burrito, both with pork. Tony had a burrito and a chimichanga with beef and our daughter had a tamale and an enchilada. To supplement the rather plebian fare, we ordered a spicy shrimp soup. Having to drive back to the hotel, we decided not to get any of the margaritas. Our neighbors at the next table told us they were the best margaritas ever and had ordered a whole pitcher.

To tide us over until the main courses arrived, the waiter brought us fresh tortilla chips and homemade salsa. The salsa was rather odd, almost creamy in texture, but tasty nonetheless. Tony and I decided it would be great as a sauce over chicken and rice, but not with chips. The platters came out quickly. All plates had the required beans and rice, but what great beans and rice. The beans were cooked until creamy, with large chunks of bean left in for texture. The rice was moist and seasoned with lime and cilantro. The main course items were great…the enchiladas were not swimming in sauce; the burritos were full of nice moist meat. The star of the show, however, was the shrimp soup. Large shrimp swimming in a thin, spicy tomato-based broth, accompanied with diced onion, chopped cilantro and lime wedges along with warm homemade tortillas. After all that food, we didn't even think about dessert...and you know we had to be well fed for that!

Overall, Las Palmas has made it onto the short list for great places we have eaten on vacation. When we return to St. Louis next August, we are definitely eating there again.

Tomorrow…Lake of the Ozarks!

Come Back, Rosie!!

I bet you wonder where I've been...I am sitting in a hotel in St. Louis, MO attending a convention with my hubby. I have lots to write about, especially food...and I'll have my report in as soon as I get two minutes to rub together.
Talk to you all soon!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...lookie what I found!!

I love garage sales. It’s an interesting look at all the crap people consider useless in their lives. So far this year, one of my favorite sales has been that of an old lady who was clearing out all her knick-knacks. She seemed so happy to be ridding her life of unnecessary clutter. We spent some time discussing the weather, the unusual occurrence of men at her sale (we called it the Antiques Roadshow syndrome) and my daughter’s fascination in her tea cup collection. . I bought a couple of pieces of costume jewlery. They will be a nice memento of an afternoon chat with a stranger.

I also use garage sales to get my cookbook fix. So far, I have found a well worn Julia Child book ($.25) and a 1964 edition of The Joy of Cooking ($.50). Being obsessed with The Joy of Cooking (in more ways than one), I now own four different editions: a1946, a 1964, a 1976 and a 1997. Why so many, you ask? I like to see the continuity. The 1997 edition is so…PC. More ethnic dishes, more low fat, more vegetarian. It does fit today’s American palate, but my family is not a typical family so I use the 1975 edition more than any other.

Other things I like to buy at garage sales are:

• Pyrex nesting bowls
• Fireking bake ware
• Muffin tins
• Cast iron skillets
• Interesting dinnerware
• Unusual linens
• Old board games (another one of my hobbies)

My house is slowly filling up with crap. I inherited all my mom’s accumulation of stuff: pressed glass serving platters, pressed glass deviled egg platters (starting to see a trend?), pressed glass bowls, pressed glass salt and pepper shakers, jelly jars (only some are pressed glass), cast iron skillets, plates, glasses plus tons more. Mom was a packrat and so am I. One day, I will be able to dump my ever growing collection of crap on my daughter. And boy, won’t she be grateful.
“Mom, I don’t make deviled eggs!”
“Shut the hell up and take it. It belonged to your grandmother!”

Bachelor cooking at it’s finest!

I think the majority of my friends consist of single men. Most of them I inherited when I married Tony. Our home is like Neverland (the one in the book, not the one in California. No one here has any plastic surgery or an unnatural desire for little boys. Or even a natural desire for little boys.) Every so often, one or more of the gang will stop up to see what is happening. I think it is the smell of home cooking that attracts them.

Single men tend to eat in “Bachelor Style”. Lots of instant food (Ramen noodles, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, TV Dinners), fast food, and some “food” (and I use that term loosely) they cook for themselves. The king of Bachelor Style food in our group is Eric. In particular, his “macaroni and cheese”. This is Eric’s recipe.

• Boil the macaroni until it is mushy.
• Dump into a bowl.
• Put hunks of sliced cheddar on top.
• Microwave until cheese melts.
• Eat.

His roommates, all single guys, have commented on how nasty it looks. Eric claims it is edible. I will take his word for it.

IMBB #17: tasteTea

I know there will be tons of folks making exotic dishes with tea, drinking rare teas, waxing poetic about tea ceremonies, but in our house, tea means sweet tea. If you are from the South, I don't need to enlighten you as to what sweet tea is. To all of the yanks out there, sweet tea is what you drink when you are south of the Mason-Dixon line: plain black tea - home brewed - with a ton of sugar in it. It gets poured over a big glass of ice and you sit in the shade and relax. If you want to be fancy, you can put some mint or lemon in, but other than that, it's pretty straight forward.

Of course, for another generation, Tea means Mr. Tea- I mean Mr. T. So stop that jibberjabbering and hand me that sweet tea.

To appease the Northern aggressors who stop by my house, I also make unsweetened tea and serve it with three simple syrups: one plain, one flavored with lemon and one flavored with mint. Simple syrups are perfect for iced tea as they do not leave piles of gritty sugar in the bottom of your glass. It also allows each person to make their tea just as sweet as they like. It has the added advantage that from a couple of feet, it looks like you are stirring teaspoons of nothing into your tea, making you appear as though you have gone senile in a short period of time. The illusion is greatly aided by talking to relatives only you can see.

Rosie's Sweet Tea for Northerners

The Tea
10 plain old pekoe tea bags
64 oz of boiling water
64 oz of cold water

Bring you water to a boil. Take the water off the burner and put the tea bags in. Let steep five minutes, then remove tea bags. Put the hot tea concentrate into a gallon pitcher and add the other 64 oz of cold water. Chill.

Flavored Simple Syrups
2 cups water
1 cup granulated sugar
1 bunch of mint (whatever you have growing in your garden - doesn't everyone have mint taking over their garden?)
Zest of one lemon

Bring water to a boil. Add sugar and stir to disolve. Remove from heat and pour into three heatproof containers. (I use three glass measureing cups for this step.) Add the mint to one container and the lemon zest to another. Leave the third one plain. Let the syrup set until cooled to room temperature, then strain out add-ins. Place into clean decorative containers with lids and chill. If you don't think this is a enough syrup for your crowd, just multiply it up...just keep the 2:1 ratio.This will keep in the fridge for ages.

To serve: 2 teaspoons of syrup = 1 teaspoon of granulated sugar


Now get out on that porch...summer is quickly coming to a close....

Cooking for Adam

It will soon be football season. That means I get to cook for our friend Adam, who is a single guy. Adam originally hails from Slovina, where they specialize in pork. A strapping young lad, he stands over 6’ tall and weighs a good 300 pounds. Also, the man could be standing stark naked in front of you and you would swear he wearing a sweater.

Our group of friends plays in a fantasy football league. Yes, even I play in the league. I never win the league, but its fun kicking ass and give the guys shit about it. Every couple weeks during the football season, the whole gang gathers at Adam’s house to watch their favorite teams on his big screen tv and eat until they go into food coma.

Since Adam never cooks for himself, I usually make more than I think the gang will eat so he can have leftovers the next couple of days. This also means that Adam gets to pick the menu.

His wish list usually looks like this:

• Pork
• Potatoes
• Pork
• Pasta
• Pork
• Salad
• Pork
• Cabbage Rolls
• Pork
• and the occasional cheesecake

A while back Adam went on the Atkins’ Diet and the list looked like this:

• Pork
• Pork
• Pork
• Pork
• Pork
• Salad
• and the occasional cheesecake made with Splenda

Unless we were out at a bar, where he would drink Michelob Extra Light beer (which is really a bottle of water that someone scribbled “Beer” onto) and eat a ton of pretzels.

Adam is off the Atkins’ diet now, so everything is back to normal.

I hope to expand our menu this year with the introduction of my mom’s “Macaroni Bake”. It’s is really Pastitsio, but since no one could pronounce it, it was renamed so all kids would stop asking what it was.

I think this recipe came from an aunt, who got it off someone in her church…yeah it’s one of those recipes with no real pedigree. This makes a huge roaster full…so only make it if you want to feed an army..or an Adam.

Macaroni Bake

Meat Mixture

4 T olive oil

1 cup finely chopped onion

2 cloves garlic

3 pounds of ground beef

1 t cinnamon

4 t salt

1 t black pepper

1 cup white wine

20 oz of tomato puree

12 oz of tomato paste

Macaroni Mixture

2 pound elbow macaroni

4 T olive oil

1 cup grated parmesan cheese

Egg/cheese sauce

12 T butter

1 cup all purpose flour

3 t salt

½ t black pepper

½ t nutmeg

6 cups milk

4 eggs and 2 egg yolks

2 c grated parmesan

Saute onion and garlic in the olive oil, until onions are golden. Add meat, break up with fork and cook over low heat until meat is no longer red. Stir in salt, pepper, cinnamon and wine. Add tomato paste and puree. Cover and cook until the meat is tender, about 30 mins. Remove from heat and allow tocool.

Boil macaroni in salted water until al dente then toss with the oil, and parmesan cheese. Set aside.

Butter a large pan (I use a roaster). Place half the prepared macaroni in the pat, then put the meat sauce on top. Cover meat sauce with the remaining macaroni. Place aside while you make the egg/cheese topping.

In a sauce pan over low heat melt the butter. Stir in flour, salt, pepper and nutmeg. Cook for several minutes. Gradually stir in all of the milk except for one cup stirring until smooth. Cook over moderate low heat until thickened and boiling. Beat the eggs and yolks and add to the reserved 1 cup of milk and beat to combine. Stir into hot sauce. Over moderate heat, cook and stir constantly until well blended, about one minute. Add parmesan cheese, stir to blend.

Pour cheese/egg sauce over top of layered meat and pasta. Use a spatula to pull the macaroni away from the edges to let the mixture get all the way down around the sides.

Bake at 375 degrees until bubbly hot and the top is browned, about 30 mins. Let stand about 30 more minutes once it is out of the oven before cutting into serving pieces.

Hot Damn!

We have achieved tomatoes Huston! Just pulled the first two ripe tomatoes off the vines...yum yum. I bet they get eaten over the sink with just a little salt. These are the early girls I planted..not the mutants. We are still waiting to see what hatches from those.

More not Good Eats

In the true spirit of the Virgin Mary toasted cheese sandwich, I give you The Museum of Food Anomalies.

Eaters Beware... Sometimes..it's not Good Eats!

I bet you all know this woman. She goes to your rotary/bondage club, shows up at the neighborhood association and she always brings food. It looks good, it even tastes good..but once everything is consumed she reveals her evil plot: The recipe had a secret ingredient. Sauerkraut Chocolate Cake, anyone? Pâte de château blanc? Grape Jelly Meatballs?

Our good neighbor loves to sneak in something just to see if she can do it. After the food is gone, she comes up and holds the inquisition. “What did you think? Could you taste the grape jelly? It wasn’t too viscous was it?” You mumble your replies and beat a hasty retreat, hoping you can make it home before your stomach purges itself. “The cake had tomato soup in it…could you tell?” Urp…maybe you won’t..where is that ladies’ room anyways?

There are a lot of different kinds of cooks in this world. People who cook to share with others, people who cook to make themselves look talented, people who putter in the kitchen, or people who just want something to eat. But none of these are like the aforementioned lady. She is the kid who put chalk dust in you milk at school just to watch would happen when you drank it. She is the fast food wage slave who wee’d in the pickles just to see if anyone could tell the difference. She takes a vicious delight in the look on your face when she reveals the true nature of your meal. Once bitten, twice shy, you avoid her food from then on, but do you stop others? No, you watch with voyeuristic delight as others chow down on her infamous creations. You lurk nearby to hear their stammered answers to her questions. “Could you taste the eel in the ice cream?” And finally, as they reel away pale and nauseous, you point a silent finger to the bathrooms.

Does that appeal to some sick part of you, hidden deep down? Don’t deny it..you want to make a chocolate cake with sauerkraut in it…come on…

Chocolate Sauerkraut Cake

¾ cup sauerkraut drained and chopped
1 ½ cups sugar
½ cup butter
3 eggs
1 tsp. pure vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. salt
1 cup water
½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

1. Sift all dry ingredients together. Cream sugar, butter and vanilla. Beat eggs in one at a time.
2. Add dry ingredients to creamed mixture alternately with water.
3. Add sauerkraut, mix thoroughly.
4. Pour into greased pan or pans.
5. Bake 30 to 40 minutes until cake tests done.
6. Frost

(Warning: I have not tried this recipe. My reputation stands untarnished!)

The Mutants are Coming! Run for your lives!

It all started innocently enough...a friendly gift from a neighbor. The tag in the pot read :"Yellow Pear Tomatoes". The family danced with glee and planted their new delicious friend. But as the summer progressed, it became obvious that something evil was happening..something dark. Instead of the happy, fun loving pear shape, a dark green crenelated alien form emerged. The family shrank back in horror! Obviously, this was the work of pod people..spreading their evil spawn across the face of the Earth...(or maybe it was Scientologists. I always confuse the two. If I see John Travolta in my garden one more time...)
So far, all the scientists have to work with are immature green fruit, thereby making it impossible to say what type of creature we are dealing with. One thing they know with certainty...it sure as hell ain't no yellow pear tomato. If you or any of your family see the creature pictured and have information about it origins, please contact the International Department of Interstellar Observation and Technology (I.D.I.O.T.) or if you cannot reach them, email me!

This has been a public service annoucement. Keep an eye to the sky!

A Fun Week!!

Starting with Tuesday: Water heater went bust. Ate out. Got sick. No more Chipolte (aka McTaco) anymore…that is the second time we got sick after eating there.

Wednesday: Tried to go into work. Plan did not jell. Neither did content of digestive tract. Damn McTaco. Came home. Laid on couch and consumed tons of water and Jell-o.

Thursday: Woke up. Felt great. Went to work. Went out to dinner. Got sick again. Gave up. Back to Jell-o and water.

Friday: Woke up. Ate some Jell-o. Starting to hate Jell-o. Went to work. Ate a sandwich out of desperation. Didn’t die. Yeah!

Saturday: Got up. Went to farmer’s market. Hit a huge pothole (sinkhole) on the way. Had to replace two tires. Went home. Ate Jell-o. Went to bed.

Moral to the story: God bless Jell-o.

Interesting Jell-o facts:

• Fruits that float in Jell-O: fresh fruit such as bananas, citrus sections, sliced peaches, apples and fruit in light syrup.
• The people of Salt Lake City consume more Jell-O per capita than any other city in the United States. (Obviously Mormons eat at McTaco a lot too!)
• In "The Wizard of Oz," the horse that changed colors was actually six horses sponged down with Jell-O. (Need a quick Halloween costume? You know what to do!!)

Recipe of the week:

Jell-O Mincemeat Mold and I quote: “Jell-O Mincemeat! It's a grand and glorious combination of shimmering red cherry Jell-O, spicy rich mincemeat and crunchy nuts." Yum …yum…dahRool… dahRool

No I haven't forgotten!

I hope to make a couple posts this weekend...between food poisoning, a busted hot water heater and some really bad Mexican food, my non-work hours have been busy busy.