The Anti-Food Porn Rant

Smokin' Hot Food Porn

We love looking. We can't help it. That smokin' hot construction worker, that sexy black dress in the shop window, those rows and rows of flaky, creamy pastries – we look and we salivate. We desire. And if we have the cash, it becomes ours. (Well, maybe not the construction worker, but we can dream, can't we?)

But how many times have we been mis-lead? How many time have you bought that luscious perfectly iced slice of chocolate cake only to find it is dry and flavorless? And that little black dress – you try it on only to find that it wasn't really all that sexy when lovingly draped over that pooch left by one too many pieces of mediocre chocolate cake?

And how many times have you been walking through the book store, pick up a beautiful cookbook full of stylish photos and recipes featuring trendy ingredients only to take it home and find out you were snookered? Taken in by a pretty face only to be left with a pot full of barely edible – and sometimes extravagantly expensive –  dog kibble? Or that the amount of work necessary to achieve the pictured item has left you drained and impotent for the rest of the evening? And that construction worker, even if you could afford him, would have been a another wasted purchase as you retire to the boudoir with a migraine.

Like the strategically placed silicon in an adult movie,  food porn is there to enhance your enjoyment of   your most recently purchased fantasy book. And like elective plastic surgery, food styling is an artificial enhancement. Few real women (most of us included) look like that busty sexpot in Pizza Slut 3, and most of the food you make at home will ever look like the pictures in the books.

Books, magazines and TV shows – there is a lot of lying going. True, lying can be a good thing. Some lies are necessary – From your hubby: “No your ass doesn't look big in those jeans.” To your hubby: “Honey, I don't miss those golden curls I used to run my fingers through.” To the kids: “Don't worry Heather, you'll grow out of it. It's just baby fat.” 

But we all realize deep down that lies are social lubricants. Like the Quarker State in your engine, it keeps everything moving along smoothly and prevents the unsightly build up of corpses along the highways.

In the modern media, food styling keeps the food industry looking fresh and sexy – its a necessary set of lies to keep Martha, Sandra Lee and Rachel on the cutting edge of  the current market. Without the pretty pictures, would anyone buy their products to see if there was any substance?

It also puts lipstick on that pig – a little light on content? Then slap some pretty pictures in there, send it off to China for some sexy full color printing and get it out in time for the holiday gift giving season. Grandma loves the pretty pictures...and the political prisoners in China need the work.

It's not to say that sexy food photography is a bad thing. Good photos will give you an idea of how brown the edges of your cookies should be, how thick you should roll the dough, but you have to remember that they are the stuff that dreams are made of. Your mileage may vary. Things in the mirror may be larger than they appear (and that includes your rump in that little black dress!)

So remember, there are some worthwhile cookbooks that don't have 8 x 10 color glossys. Pick up the old school Joy of Cooking, The Fanny Farmer Cookbook or if you want some fantastic cookie recipes, get yourself a copy of The Cookie Lover's Cookie Book by Richard Sax. No food porn in any them, but lots of solid recipes.

And for Pete's sake – stop staring at the construction workers while sitting at the light. You are holdin' up the rest of us.